After Infidelity: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Feb. 28, 2002 -- The affair. It's devastating to a marriage. Many relationships don't survive the anger and broken trust. In a new study, researchers take a closer look at marital infidelity. They identify a pattern of emotions that most couples go through -- a "road map to healing" that offers reassurance.

"Having a 'road map' can help couples know what to expect next and reassure them that they [are normal]," says co-author Candyce Russell, a licensed family therapist and professor of family studies at Kansas State University, in a news release.

Russell's study, not yet published, tracked three emotional stages after the disclosure of an extramarital affair.

Stage one: Dramatic emotional roller coaster phase, filled with anger and self-blame, introspection, and deepening appreciation for the relationship.

Stage two: Moratorium phase, a less emotional period where attempts are made to make sense of infidelity. Obsessing about details of the affair, retreating physically and emotionally, and reaching out to others are common at this stage.

Stage three: Trust-building phase. "Showing commitment to the relationship [is] most important for injured parties to begin forgiving and building trust," says Russell. "The injured party has to be able to forgive," she adds.

It's indeed a familiar story -- but all this talk of "one injured party" doesn't ring true, says Irene Goldenberg, EdD, a family psychologist and professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA. She's been counseling couples for 30 years, been married for 39 years, and "doing fine," Goldenberg tells WebMD.

Affairs are not accidental, she says. "It's not 'a stranger across a crowded room.' It happens because there's a reason for it in the relationship. Two people are not getting what they need out of the relationship. Very often, their sexual life is not OK."

"There's no one victim the person sinned against," Goldenberg emphasizes. "Both sides have made it happen. Both people are injured; the relationship has been injured. Both people have to see their part in the process."

Forgiveness is indeed important, she says. But the person who had the affair -- who went outside the marriage to solve problems -- has to deal with issues regarding that pattern, too.

But most important, the couple must address the "unresolved issues, the fights that haven't been finished, all the unfinished business," Goldenberg says. Those unresolved issues have led to anger -- and it's anger that causes one person, then the other, to withdraw from the marriage emotionally and physically. That's when "please go away, don't bother me" begins, she adds.

Can this marriage be saved?

When the initial anger has eased, that's when a therapist can help, says Goldenberg. Some people never get past that anger, and the relationship falls apart. For others, the affair is a wake-up call.

"It forces people to look at problems they haven't resolved," Goldenberg tells WebMD. "He didn't come to her mother's funeral. She insisted on one school for their child; he didn't like it. There's anger, and it didn't get worked through. That's when they start withdrawing from each other. They become angry, unresponsive."

For most people, the relationship is "truly fixable," she says. "Maybe not for everybody. Not all marriages should stay together. But in the large majority of cases, the marriage can become better. Certainly not as trusting, but better. It takes away a lot of the denial in the marriage."

The healing process takes a long time, "and it does leave a scar," says Goldenberg. "It's not something that can be repaired easily. But people do get past it."