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By Aviva Patz
Wonder if you're doing the whole mommy thing right? Here's how to tune in to your instincts and know for sure.
I remember one day when my daughter Sadie, now 5, was still just crawling. A friend came over with her baby for a playdate. When she arrived, she looked around and asked, "Where's Sadie?" I shrugged casually and said, "I don't know. I think she went upstairs." My friend, who never let her own child out of her sight, was aghast — I had allowed my daughter to go up the stairs all by herself! It made me wonder: Am I too laid-back? Am I a bad mom?
Fortunately, parenting is not one-size-fits-all. "What works for one mom may not work for another — or her kids," says Michelle Borba, author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. And it's important to get comfortable with your innate parenting style. "If you're always worrying — am I doing it right? — it could hinder your ability to parent effectively," says marriage, family, and child therapist Lisa Dunning, author of Good Parents Bad Parenting. "But if you trust yourself as a parent, you can focus on what's best for you and your child." What's more, feeling secure about your own style actually makes you a better parent — you're not constantly "trying on" other moms' methods, which can confuse your kids. "When you're confident and reliable in your parenting, kids know what's expected of them, and they learn to trust you and feel safe," Dunning says. Follow these five steps to get comfortable with your particular parenting style and make the most of it. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Stop the compar-a-thon.
"Other people are our worst enemy when it comes to destroying our
instincts," says Mary DeBiccari, 35, of Lake Grove, NY, who has two kids, 5
and 2, and a third on the way. "When a friend would say, 'You use wipes
instead of washcloths?' and 'How could you not feed on demand?' I would
second-guess everything I did." Try to tune out those unsolicited opinions.
"When it comes to how your child adapts and copes and his unique emotional
and physical needs, you're the expert," Borba says. "And when you go
with what you know is right for your child, it will make you the best possible
parent." Mary Werner, 37, a mom of three in St. Louis, often scrutinizes
other moms — and imagines they're doing the same to her. But a little
perspective goes a long way toward deflecting her self-doubt: "I realize
that one situation — on the playground or in the grocery store — is such a
limited view of what a parent is like overall," she says. "The mom
who's really good at making up fun games may be terrible at handling tantrums.
There's just no such thing as a perfect mom."
Trace the roots of your parenting style.
No matter how hard you try to forge your own unique path as a mom, there's a
good chance you're raising your kids the same way your parents raised you — for
better and worse. "When you feel a little pain in your stomach because
you've triggered a bad memory from growing up, it's a good sign that maybe this
is one behavior you don't want to pass on to your kids," Borba says. I got
this wake-up call a few months back when I screamed at my 3-year-old — for some
trivial infraction — and saw a look of primal fear on her face, as if I were a
T. rex coming in for the kill. I had an instant flashback to my own
mother's constant yelling — while she always apologized after an episode, I'd
feel hurt for days. One of the great gifts you get from being a parent, though,
is the chance to right the wrongs from your childhood. "You spend 18 years
in your parents' home, so their ways become normal for you," Dunning says.
"But if it doesn't feel right, you can make new rules." You can also go
overboard compensating for your parents' missteps, however. To tap into whether
your style is working, ask yourself, Are my kids responding to me the way I
want? If not, examine your choices in certain situations and tweak them to meet
your kids' needs and your own.
Celebrate your style.
It's not often that your kids will tell you what a great job you're doing at
being their mom. Borba recommends recording your parenting triumphs and wisdom
in a log. You might write, "When I lower my voice, it diffuses Will's
tantrums." Says Borba, "It gives you confidence because you're not only
tracking successes but also making an effort to improve — and both are signs of
a good parent." Add to this journal the compliments from teachers and other
parents that have made you feel good about your parenting style. Ariel Zeitlin
Cooke, 46, felt really proud when her daughter's principal told her, "Your
kid knows right from wrong. She won't be swayed by other kids to go along with
the crowd." Says the Montclair, NJ, mom, "I thought that was a ringing
endorsement for a 7-year-old — and by extension, for my liberal parenting
style. I've given Eve room to make choices, so now she trusts her own judgment
— and I do, too." Don't forget to also record the delicious things your
child tells you, like what my 3-year-old said recently: "Mommy, I love you
the best."