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By Michael Segell
Why you may not want to give your 20-something advice, and other thorny
issues explained
"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out
what they want, and then advise them to do it." --Harry Truman
Jane Isay might be willing to go that far, but not much further. After
interviewing 70 parents and grown kids for her book, Walking on Eggshells:
Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents, Isay
advises parents to "keep their mouth shut and their door open"
(although not too wide, lest they move back in). That guidance has resonated
widely with parents of a certain age who have been mystified by their
20-somethings' tentative steps into early adulthood. Herewith, other
"rules" she discovered (and how to break them without an argument).
Keep your advice to
yourself
Your children will resent your instruction, Isay says. Why? "Many
of us have kids who are graduating to full-blown adulthood later than we
did," she says. "So when we see them struggle through their 20s, we
feel compelled, out of love, to help them. But they may perceive any advice we
give as being critical of their slow start." Parents who are still
"helicoptering"--that is, hovering over their child's every
move--magnify this perception.
Case in point: Doris, a schoolteacher wonders why her son, a 38-year-old
contractor, visits her only occasionally, even though he lives just a mile
away. When he was a boy, Doris told Isay, "it was obvious to me that I made
a big difference in his life." Today, she still calls often to counsel him
about how to expand his business or solidify his relationship with his
girlfriend. "It's hard. I just want to help him," she says.
According to Isay, Doris "needs to back off" from giving unsolicited
advice or risk even greater estrangement.
Break it gently: If you can't resist, dispense your wisdom in a neutral
way, Isay suggests. "Couch it in terms like these: Some people might think…
Have you ever considered… That kind of language is judgment free," she
says. "Before you leap in with advice, remember this: It's not so bad to
make a mistake. You learned from yours, they'll learn from theirs."
Be clear about the terms under which you give money
Today, many comfortable middle-age parents want to share their good
fortune while they're still alive with kids who, because of social and economic
changes, may not be so well off, at least early on. Unfortunately, parents'
good intentions can produce divisive results.
"There are no secrets among sibs," says Isay. "All their lives
they've been adding up what each has gotten from their parents, so offering to
help only one child may be perceived as favoritism, even if the others are
comfortable financially. And that divides kids from their parents and from each
other."
Case in point: When Melanie's daughter Julia asked her to forgive a
$10,000 loan she'd provided for Julia's home improvements, Melanie was
stupefied. A widow, she simply couldn't afford to, and told Julia--who then
complained that her parents paid for her sister's entire college tuition years
before, while Julia was awarded full scholarships and cost her parents nothing.
To keep the peace, Melanie decided to forgive the loan. Doing so is bound to
lead to requests for similar amounts from her other kids, Isay predicts, and
resentment if she doesn't grant them.
Break it gently: Whether you decide to be absolutely equitable or dole
out money "each according to his needs," set boundaries and time limits
and stick to them, says Isay. As a model of generosity that can be used by both
parents and grandparents, Isay recommends adopting this tactic: Henry set up a
small fund so that each of his adult grandkids would have $2,000 a year to
spend while he was alive. There was one stipulation: The money was strictly for
pleasure--a vacation, music lessons, or a new pair of skis. "His generosity
sets the standard of wise giving--just enough to make a reasonable wish
possible but also allowing each child the autonomy to make a good
choice."
Don't take it personally
Divorce and remarriage add layers of complexity to family dynamics.
"Stepparents who come on the scene when the children are in their 20s and
early 30s are not welcomed," says Isay. Fortunately, time--and new
additions to the family--have a way of repairing the rifts.
Case in point: When she married for the first time at 50, Esther
imagined she would be getting a family along with her husband. But his grown
kids refused to accept her. After one particularly strenuous dinner, when both
her stepdaughter and stepson snubbed her, she retreated to her bedroom in
tears. "They don't know me well enough to hate me so much," she
said.
But when the first grandchild arrived, Esther fell in love with the little
girl, and the baby adored her grandmother. As the kids witnessed Esther's
natural love and kindness over the next few years, they gradually warmed to
her. Esther, in turn, became less sensitive to their slights.
Break it gently: Keep in mind that your stepchildren are the offspring
of the man you love--and they are likely to have many of his good qualities,
too. Keep your cool and they'll come around eventually.
Advice For Grown-Ups Ask Jane Isay questions about your 20-somethings
throughout the month of May at prevention.com/family.
Originally published on:?May 1, 2008
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