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Teaching children to share isn't easy. Take the case of Forest Melchior, 39, a deep-tissue massage therapist in Telluride, Colorado. Melchior works hard to help her two children, 5 and 3, learn to swap toys and turns amiably. "But truthfully, sharing causes the most fights between them," says Melchior, a part-time stay-at-home mom, who says her children's conflicts can leave her worn down and tired out. "But I do get it," she adds. "Sharing is hard, even for adults."
Melchior says she tries everything -- from having her children take carefully timed turns on the gymnastics ring set she constructed in their home to allowing one of them extra time with a new toy. "But finding a reasonable balance is truly hard," she says.
Bottom line, of course, is that learning to share doesn't come easily to most kids. But by taking it in stages and bringing empathy for the child's view to the fore, parents can build domestic peace, says Harvey Karp, MD, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old.
Most children don't understand the concept of "mine" and "yours" until they're 3 years old. But toddlers, says Karp, come with an innate sense of fairness, "though it's not usually quite in line with adults'. With most of us it's about 50-50," he says. "For toddlers it's more about 90-10. It's, 'Here, I'll keep 90% and I'll give you this one little toy.'"
The first step, before jumping in to correct a child (as parents tend to do), is "to acknowledge the needs and the desires of the child," says Karp. "When we just drop in and try to solve it, that doesn't feel good. Children need to know their desires are appreciated and respected." And when your kid successfully shares a toy, reward the behavior with an enthusiastic high five or "nice job." Even better, says Karp, adults can give voice to Elmo telling a stuffed bear about the child's behavior.
"We all pay more attention to what we overhear," says Karp. Children will appreciate the third-party compliment. And the technique might just leave you giggling together -- which is good for everyone.
Prep for play dates. Let toddlers or preschoolers choose some of their most loved possessions to set aside before other children come over. And siblings, especially older brothers and sisters, can have some toys designated just for them.
Make it clear. "Kids get a much better sense of what you want if you use the term 'taking turns,'" says Karp. That's because they've learned to take turns in infancy in babbled "conversation" with caregivers, he says. Explain that toys work the same way -- everyone gets a turn.
Talk it up. "You can notice and point out sharing in day-to-day life," says Karp. "'Look at that man. He's sharing the bread with the bird.'" Pointing out what other people do is, says Karp, "an effective way of planting the seed."
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