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Does it sometimes seem like your preschooler has the innate ability to push you to the outer edge of your patience? And that's on a good day.
Fear not, moms and dads, you're not alone. Preschoolers are toying with their newfound independence, but they still revel in the close attention and love of their caregivers.
"These ages (3-5) are among the most active and frustrating in terms of parenting," says Michele Borba, EdD, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
Here are eight common mistakes parents make and smart fixes to avoid or resolve the problems.
Consistency is key for preschoolers, says Tanya Remer Altmann, MD, a pediatrician and author of Mommy Calls: Dr. Tanya Answers Parents' Top 101 Questions about Babies and Toddlers.
When you're not being consistent with your routine, preschoolers get confused -- and that's often when they act out more or throw temper tantrums.
"Because if sometimes you let them do and sometimes you don't, they don't understand," she says.
You child probably wants to know: Why did Mommy let me play on the playground for 10 minutes when school got out last time, but this time we have to get in the car right away? Why did Mommy lay down with me for 10 minutes last night while I fell asleep and now she says she can't?
Fix it: Be consistent across the board -- whether it's with discipline, sleep habits, or mealtime routines.?
If your routine is consistent 90% of the time and your child is doing well, then a minor exception may be OK, Altmann says.
It's easy for parents to hone in on their child's negative actions -- like yelling and screaming -- and ignore more positive ones.
"Parents focus on what they don't want their preschoolers to do. They'll say, 'Don't hit. Don't throw. Don't say 'poopy pants,' " Altmann says.
Fix it: Notice when your child is doing something positive, and reward the good behavior.
The reward for positive actions can be your praise, or giving them a big hug or kiss. "Those types of things really go a long way with preschoolers," Altmann says.
For example, tell your child, "I like the way that you sat quietly and listened," or "I like the way you were so friendly to the child on the playground. I like the way you said, 'Thank you' to your teacher when she handed you the paper."
Parents often try to reason with children when they're in the throes of a temper tantrum, repeating, "Calm down, calm down."
But that's like trying to reason with a goldfish, Borda says. "You've got power immediately beforehand when you can still distract or anticipate. But once the tantrum is in full force, you've lost it. The kid is not hearing you."
Fix it: Figure out and anticipate what your kid's natural warning signs are, Borda says. The usual ones are hunger, fatigue, and boredom.
So don't take your child to the supermarket unless she's napped or you've stashed a healthy snack in your purse.
Does your child's whining drive you batty? Say, right before dinnertime, when you're trying to prepare food, your child starts crying, "I wanna go outside. I wanna go to the park. I wanna go play with Riley."
Parents will often give in to these whines, Borda says. But this only reinforces the attention-getting behavior, because your child will figure out which buttons to push -- and then push those buttons over and over again.
"This is the age when your children come out of their shells," she says. "Watch out, they figure out what works."
Fix it: Ignore it.
For behavior that isn't aggressive, like a whine or sulk, you're better off if you don't respond to them at all, Borda says. If you're consistent, your child will think, "Well, that didn't work."
Parents often line up a slew of activities, like dance or music classes. Then they wonder: Why isn't my child getting in bed and falling asleep right away? We've had so many activities she must be tired.
"But they're still all wound up and need time to calm down," Altmann says .
Every child needs down time, especially preschoolers, she says. Whether your child is at preschool for two hours or a longer day, it can be very exhausting.
Fix it: Don't overschedule your child or shuttle him from one activity to the next. Give children time to unwind with free play when they get home from school.
Many parents feel that they should sign their children up for enrichment programs to give them an edge. But that's not actually the case.
What's most enriching at this age is free play, says Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author of Playful Parenting. That includes dramatic play (make believe), rough housing, and goofing around.
"Free play is how children's brains develop best," he says. "In play, children will naturally give themselves the right amount of challenge -- not too easy or too hard."
Fix it: Allow your child the time and space for free play. Remember that preschoolers define play as "what you do when you get to choose what to do."
The free choice, the voluntary aspect of play, is important, Cohen says.
"Preschoolers love to vacuum or do housework, but it's play. It's not on their chore list. They've chosen to do it and they're just doing it for fun," he says.
Your child may play well independently, but that doesn't mean he or she doesn't crave your attention.
"There's something children miss out on if parents don't get on the floor and play with them," Cohen says.
Plus, many parents today are too easily distracted by their cell phone, email, or other multitasking.
"Kids aren't dumb," Cohen says. "They know whether we're really paying attention or not.
Fix it: Set a timer, be enthusiastic, and stay involved for your designated play period with your child, Cohen suggests.
"A half an hour of concentrated play you give your undivided attention and you're not worried about dinner or work is better than all day [if] you're only half paying attention," he says.
Lying really freaks parents out, says Cohen, who tries to help parents see the behavior as experimenting, rather than as "a moral thing."
"When children start to lie, it's a big cognitive advance," he says. "It's kind of exciting and a little bit scary. It has an emotional charge. But then parents freak out and have visions of their child in prison so they get very tense and anxious about it."
Fix it: Don't overreact. Know that telling a fib or two is a normal part of your child's development.
And don't get hung up on the lie itself, Cohen says. Let's say your little Pinocchio is denying that he had anything to do with a spill. You can say matter-of-factly, "You feel bad about that and I understand."
Remember: Changes may not happen overnight, but as the old maxim goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." And again.