Is Your Child Spoiled?

Every parent has probably heard it at one time or another: "You're going to spoil that child!" Yet what do we really mean by spoiled child? How do you know if you have one, and what can you do to avoid spoiling one if you don't?

WebMD talked with some child development experts, and got their tips on how to spot a spoiled child. But first we learned why we may be spoiled sports for thinking some kids are spoiled.

No Such Thing as Spoiled Children?

Most child development experts cringe at the use of the term "spoiled child."

"That's really a term from a different era," says David Elkind, PhD, a professor of child development at Tufts University and the author of The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon.

"Parents who 'spoil,' often out of the best of intentions, really want to give their children everything without their having to work for it, but the world doesn't work that way."

Why You Can't Spoil a Baby

You cannot "spoil" an infant, Elkind tells WebMD. "Infants cry when they need something and it's hard to spoil them, because they're not trying to manipulate or maneuver. In infancy, you really need to build the feeling that the world's a safe place."

Later on, he says, it's certainly possible to spoil a child by giving them too much, not setting boundaries, and not expecting them to do what's healthy for them -- but there's no spoiling a 6-month-old.

"There is so much questionable parenting literature out there that still talks about spoiling babies, that this is a myth that really needs to be addressed," agrees Peter A. Gorski, MD, director of the Lawton and Rhea Chiles Center for Healthy Mothers and Babies, and professor of public health, pediatrics, and psychiatry at the University of South Florida.

Research shows that infants whose parents respond quicker to their needs, including their cries, are happier and more independent by their first birthday, Gorski says. They learn to trust that you'll be there when they need you.

What about toddler temper tantrums? Are these children spoiled? No, says Elkind. Tantrums are simply a part of normal development. "This is a time kids are differentiating themselves and they do that by saying no," he explains. "That's normal." It doesn't mean you don't need to set limits for your toddler, or that you should always give in to him -- but saying "No no no no no!" every time you want him to get dressed or eat his lunch doesn't mean he's spoiled. It just means he's 2.

So if an often-cuddled infant and a toddler with tantrums are not spoiled -- how do you tell if your child is? Elkind offers some examples:

• The cafeteria dining plan. "You serve dinner, and the child doesn't want to eat what's on the table, so you always have to go out of your way to make a special meal for that child," he says. Once or twice is one thing, and of course children with special dietary needs must always be accommodated. But a child who insists on special orders every night could be on the way to being spoiled. "If a 5-year-old misses a meal it won't hurt him," Elkind says.?
• Tantrums. They're normal in toddlers, but when a 5- or 6-year-old throws a fit because they don't get what they want, that's age-inappropriate. "For little ones, it may be the only way they can express their feelings, but in older children, tantrums are manipulative," says Elkind.?
• Extreme dependence on parents. If your child can't go to sleep unless you're there, won't ever let you leave them with grandma or a babysitter, and throws fits when it's time to go to school or day care, that's a problem, Elkind says. "Your child depends on you, yes, but as they get older, children have to learn to be comfortable with other people and with being on their own.

Instead of "spoiled child," Gorski prefers to use the term "overindulged" or "overprotected." These children may indeed "run the house" -- but it's because parents treat them like they're much younger than they are.

"A key warning sign is any child much older than the toddler years who continues to act like a baby or toddler -- kicking and screaming, biting other children, not using age-appropriate ways of communicating their thoughts and feelings," he says. "This is a sign that they're not very secure about themselves."

5 Hints to Help You Raise an Unspoiled Child

So how do avoid raising spoiled children? By setting age-appropriate boundaries that let kids go after life exuberantly, testing the limits, says Gorski, starting in the toddler years.

• Establish your outer limits of safety. For example: "Never touch the hot stove" and "Never run into the street." Relay what is and is not acceptable and never vary the message you give about safety, says Gorski.?
• Reinforce positive social behavior in a similar way. Know what you will encourage, such as saying please and thank you and playing gently with friends. "Reinforce positive behavior more than you harp on negative behavior," Gorski tells WebMD.?
• Talk openly with your children about behavior as they get older. "School-age and adolescent children are capable of insight, so sit down and to try to figure problems out together, Gorski suggests. For example, if you ask a child "Why are you doing this?" they may not be able to tell you. But if you say "I wonder why this keeps happening," that open-ended question might give them the room to speculate. You might be surprised by what you learn!?
• Stay calm. Losing your temper with bad behavior only makes you feel bad and look out of control (kind of like a spoiled child!) -- and it doesn't teach the child better behavior.?
• Be consistent. Always do what you say you're going to do. If you tell your child there will be consequences for a certain behavior, they should know you mean it. "This time I'm really taking the toy away if you don't play nicely," doesn't work when you've already said it ten times.

When kids are out of control, these are cries for help, not signs of spoiled children, says Gorski. "What's best of all is to start early and consistently to set limits, to understand developmental needs of the infant and young child for this delicate, critical balance between freedom and limits."