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In this corner, weighing in at 142 pounds and five feet three inches tall, we have Deb, the frustrated, conflict-averse yet relatively enlightened mother of two from Bloomington, IN. And in the other corner, her 17-year-old daughter, Annelise, who is convinced she's old enough to stay out until two in the morning because she's going to college next year and you might as well get used to it already....
I don't know how it happened, but somehow my happy home has turned into a verbal boxing ring. I won't pull any punches: I hate fighting. I'll do anything to avoid confrontation, even if that includes pretending I don't notice the half-eaten bagel with cream cheese that has been sitting on my daughter's nightstand for two weeks. But it turns out I'm not doing my kids any favors. Fighting - done fairly - delivers a huge payoff: a stronger relationship with your child, and the confidence that comes from knowing you've equipped her with emotional survival skills that will last a lifetime.
Fighting fair helps your kid build backbone while learning how to manage his emotions. "Conflict is part of life, and our kids need to know how to handle it with their friends, employers, and partners, and their own kids someday," says Joanne Stern, Ph.D., author of Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life. "This is your time to prepare them for the day they leave home and don't have you to help them."
Fighting is also your chance to say, "I want you to have your own thoughts and feelings, even if they clash with mine. And when that fight is over, I'm still going to love you."
Gone are the days when you could resolve conflicts with a withering glare, the all-purpose "Because I'm the mom, that's why," or the famous countdown to doom ("You have five seconds to remove your feet from your sister's head. Five...four...three..."). Teens and tweens are sophisticated thinkers, and they're notoriously moody - which means they'll find even more reasons to challenge your authority, says Stern. So you might as well learn how to make every fight count.
One day when you're not mid-argument, start a conversation about the inevitability, as well as the benefits, of conflict, suggests Stern. You might say something like, "You're getting to the age where you're going to have your own ideas and we're going to disagree on some things, and that's normal. You can talk to me about anything, but you also need to know that I'm the parent, so the buck stops with me. Things may get heated, and that's normal, too. Let's set some rules now, before we fight." Explains Stern: "You want them to know that it's normal to feel angry sometimes. If you try to deny anger, it turns into resentment, bitterness, and revenge. We want to encourage our kids to experience conflict and get past it." Then it's up to you both to decide what's off-limits - behavior like cursing, name-calling, damaging your home. Stepping out of bounds will carry the consequences you, as the parent, have determined.
Remember those lovely years known as the "terrible twos"? They may be back. Tweens and teens are hardwired to establish an identity apart from their parents, which often results in fighting. Plus, your teen's life is tumultuous - think hormones, social drama, and school pressures. Once you manage to view your teen as someone struggling to maintain his footing as the tectonic plates of puberty are shifting beneath him, you're more likely to be patient and empathetic. When your kid is mid-screamfest, you won't take things personally. You'll be able to say, and mean, "I can see how hard this is for you, and I really want to figure this out with you. Let's take a breath or a break and talk this through."
Next: Keeping your cool & finding out what your teen really wants
Just because your teen is hollering doesn't mean you should volley back. If you stay calm, your teenager will come to see you as someone she can trust, even if she disagrees with you, says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor in the psychiatry department at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happy Families. "Teenagers are often very confused about their emotions. They need you to be stable in order for them to tolerate the intrinsic instability and intensity of their own lives." But by keeping your cool, you're modeling how to manage strong emotions, a skill she will eventually master herself (hard as that may be to believe during a white-hot moment).
Sure, it will be tough to maintain Zen-like detachment when your kid is pounding on your hot buttons - or your home's walls. Here are a few fair-fight techniques you can employ right away to minimize collateral damage to your relationship (and house):
Ask her to tell you what she really wants. Asked with as much sincerity as you can muster, the simple question "What do you really want?" can be disarmingly effective. "It ends the feeling of being 'caught in the loop' in arguments, and communicates to your kid that you care enough to want to understand her needs," explains Vickie Falcone, author of Buddha Never Raised Kids & Jesus Didn't Drive Carpool: Seven Principles for Parenting with Soul. After you pose the question, really listen to the answer. Now's a good time to dust off your active-listening skills. Mirror back her key points: "What I hear you saying is that you want to get a tattoo because you think they're beautiful and you've put a lot of thought into finding the perfect design. Did I get that right?" When you demonstrate that you understand what she wants and why, you're actually nurturing the relationship, even if you have no intention of giving in.?
Give some ground. While you're not going to compromise on the big-ticket issues, look for opportunities to make at least small concessions. If you've ever bought or sold a house, you know that the most satisfying negotiations end with all parties feeling as if they've gotten at least some of what they wanted. When your kids were young, you could get away with offering them a choice among options you picked ahead of time. At this stage, you need to be willing to really compromise. Obviously you're not going to concede on any nonnegotiables - personal-safety issues, for instance - but you can probably find something to give up. For instance: "We can talk about a tattoo when you're closer to your 18th birthday, but right now I'm open to your looking into a temporary tattoo." "Teens need to express their opinions and have those ideas not only listened to, but also acted on to some degree," notes Peter Scales, Ph.D., developmental psychologist and senior fellow at the Search Institute, a Minneapolis-based nonprofit dedicated to promoting healthy communities for young people. "It's a real victory for a teenager when he can persuade an adult to do things his way."
Next: Recovering from a fight, plus advice from experts on fighting phrases to avoid
So, advises Stern, tell your child, "Give me reasons for your thinking. Try to convince me that your way is better than mine, because if it is, then I want to do it that way." Obviously there comes a point where the listening ends and the limit-setting begins. Stern suggests saying something like, "I hear you, and I want to be flexible, but I'm the parent here, and I have my own ethics and standards. I'm not going to change my mind, because this is what I believe is right. I'm sorry you're upset and disappointed."
Many kids will signal that they're ready to reconnect by emerging from their rooms to get something to eat from the kitchen or grab a magazine. Take that opportunity to say something like, "Are you OK? Want to go out and get some ice cream? Or can I have a hug?"
And while you're waiting for that to happen, remind yourself that fighting - provided it's done right - is a good thing. "People who are good at solving conflicts are better leaders, parents, and partners," says Falcone. "And by fighting fairly with our kids, we're preserving - and even enhancing - the most powerful parenting tool we have at our disposal: our relationship with them."
Fighting fair means steering clear of tactics that act like a match to gasoline. Here, advice from our experts:
Originally published on September? 27, 2010