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Everyone talks about peer pressure on teens, but just how bad is it? Odds are, it’s not as bad as most parents think. Parents may lay awake at night worrying about what other kids will force their children to do. But "when we talk to young people, they tell us this vision of peer pressure is extremely rare," says Stephen Wallace, CEO of Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD).
Teens rarely strong-arm each other into trying risky things. Instead, friends play a more subtle role in your child’s decisions. Teens are more likely to hang out with other teens who do the same things. For example, a study by researchers at Columbia University shows that kids are six times more likely to have had a drink if their friends often drink alcohol. ?
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By Jeannette MoningerIt's more than just the blues: Clinical depression among kids is on the rise. Here's how to tell if your child is suffering, and how to get help. At first, Andrea Carpenter* blamed preadolescent hormones for her 10-year-old daughter's moodiness. "Allie was extremely irritable at home, and she'd get snippy with her dad and me for no apparent reason," says the Marietta, GA, mom. Life at the Carpenters' home grew so tense that the family started seeing a counselor who, after...
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The good news? You can have a more powerful positive effect on your teen than you may think.
Teens often feel internal pressure to do the things that they think their peers are doing. "Most kids wildly overestimate the prevalence of alcohol and drug use," says Wallace, who wrote the book, Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex -- What Parents Don’t Know and Kids Aren’t Telling.
Parents who want to dispel the myth that drugs and alcohol are an adolescent rite of passage can simply cite the facts. A long-term, national study of adolescents in grades 8, 10, and 12 shows that many typical ?teen behaviors are actually losing popularity.?
Certain drugs get a bad rep as their risks become more widely known. When teens think their friends will look down on them for taking a drug, they’re much less likely to use it. Unfortunately, this does not apply to drug use overall. As some drugs fall out of favor, new ones hit the scene. And it often takes years for teens to understand their new dangers.
Your child can adopt a new dress code and lingo to fit in with friends, and still remain keenly aware of your thoughts and opinions. "Parents’ influence is much more powerful than most parents realize," says Tom Hedrick, founding member of The Partnership for a Drug-Free America. "Not wanting to disappoint their parents is an important barrier to teens using drugs."
Being a teenager is often a dance of push and pull. "Adolescents want to be independent and dependent at the same time," says Benjamin Siegel, MD, pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ committee on the psychosocial aspects of child & family health. "On one hand, they want to assert their independence. On the other, they need their parents."
Your teen probably feels intense pressure to fit in. She may not know how to talk about it. She may not talk much at all. It may take extra effort to connect with her, but chances are she hopes you will. "The more we understand what kids are going through, the more empathic we can be towards them," says Siegel.
Your rules and structure give your teen a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests. When Wallace asks teens what their parents could do to discourage drinking, the answers were surprisingly simple:
Raise your child to have opinions, even if they drive you mad, says Rachel Fleissner, MD, a member of the workgroup on consumer issues for the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. An opinionated child has practice speaking his own mind.
Fleissner tells the story of an opinionated young patient whose parents were fed up with his mouthing off. "The child is entitled to his opinion. That doesn’t mean things are always going to go his way," she says. "He needs to learn to think through how he arrived at his opinion and whether it’s worth arguing over."
"Kids need friends. Building relationships is an important part of their development," says Siegel, and parents have a role in this learning process. You know that relationships are often messy. Your child may not have figured that out yet. Siegel suggests frequent conversations that will help your child develop friendship skills. Open with questions such as:
"Some children come under the influence of a close friend who constantly acts out," says Hedrick. If this sounds like your child, your challenge is to share your point of view without criticizing the friend. Lay your worries on the table in a matter-of-fact way. For example:
Some situations call for dramatic action. Fleissner recalls a family who moved across state lines to remove their son from a destructive friend network. He didn’t like it at the time, but thanked his parents years later. ?
Role-playing and visualization can help kids imagine what they would do to get out of the pressure zone. "Often, kids find themselves in the moment, doing things they never thought they would do," says Wallace. Help your child practice warding off peer pressure by playing a game of "What if?"
The game can serve two purposes. First, it lets your child develop a peer-pressure game plan, which can include calling you. Second, it lets her know she can say no and blame it on you. "My mom would kill me," is a perfectly good way out of these situations.
No matter what you say or do, your child may still mess up. As upset as you may be, your child probably is, too. Fleissner says parents should be ready to help their children take responsibility for their mistakes, and support them in moving on. This is an important time to help a child look at how he makes decisions. Siegel agrees. "Parents should ask questions that encourage self-reflection," he says.
Parents can’t anticipate every social challenge their children will face. Kids who know their parents love them, who value their own opinions, and have practice thinking critically, have a greater chance of saying ??"No thank you."