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By Colleen Dunn Bates
Every newly pregnant woman embarks on an adventure as boldly as astronaut Sally
Ride and as full of expectations as Christopher Columbus. Even if you’ve been
pregnant before, each voyage is fraught with new fears and blessed with new
surprises. To ease these fears and help prepare you for the reality that
awaits, we talked to straight shooter Vicki Iovine, mother of four and author
of two wise, honest and hilarious books, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy
(Pocket Books, 1995) and The Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving the First Year of
Motherhood (Perigee Books, 1997). We also sought the advice of Leslie Hartley
Gise, M.D., a psychiatrist who has counseled mothers through pregnancy and
childbirth in her 16 years at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York and in
her present role as a psychiatrist with the Hawaii State Department of
Health.
We also talked to a few regular moms (this author included) who have been through it. We’ll allay your biggest fears and help you prepare for the happiest moments of pregnancy, childbirth and new parenthood.
1. It’ll Hurt!?
“The biggest fear is that the pain will be so great that you’ll collapse and
break into a thousand pieces,” Iovine says. “We’re frightened we won’t be able
to have natural childbirth, as well. If you plan on and succeed in natural
childbirth, great; if you need an epidural or C-section, great.”? The
skills taught by childbirth educators are invaluable, but Iovine warns against
letting natural-childbirth proponents take you on a guilt trip. In many cases,
the pain isn’t nearly as bad as you might have feared (some compare it to
really bad menstrual cramps), but relief is attainable if it gets intense.
“Anesthesia is available to help you cope,” Gise says, “and you’re not a bad
person if you decide to use it.”
2. Losing My Lover
Many women fear that their husbands forever will see them as chubby,
milk-stained moms, rather than exciting lovers. “Most of us think, ‘Why would
he want to have sex with me when I wouldn’t want to have sex with me?’” Iovine
says. As it turns out, Iovine’s back-fence research among friends revealed that
the problem typically isn’t with our mates’ minds but with our own.??
You nevertheless may not be overcome with desire the minute your doctor gives
you the six-week go-ahead to have sex, according to Iovine. “Don’t rush the
recovery,” she says. “The desire will come back eventually, within the first
year, as will your old body.” And try to remember that your husband probably
desires you as much as ever.
3. It’ll Hurt the Baby?
“Many women worry that they’ll ‘hurt’ the baby by being active or having sex,”
Gise says. The reality is comforting, however: It’s generally safe to do most
of the activities you did before pregnancy, from tennis to cycling (just don’t
water-ski or take up windsurfing in your fourth month, and you should put off
risky sports like downhill skiing and horseback riding). You also can have sex
right up to the due date as long as you aren’t experiencing any complications
(no, it won’t trigger labor).
4. Having a C–Section
?We’ve all heard the stories: 48 hours of labor, followed by a Cesarean
section and a mother depressed because she didn’t have a “regular” birth. “It
doesn’t mean you flunked childbirth if you have to have a Cesarean section,”
Gise says. “It really is safer when something goes wrong — it saves a lot of
babies when you need to get them out fast.”
5. Something Will Be Wrong With the Baby?
Nature is on your side here: The vast majority of babies are healthy. In fact,
only about three in 100 will be born with any sort of birth defect, Gise says.
And many of the babies who are born with problems can be helped with surgery,
medical therapy or simple TLC.
6. Losing Control
One of the scariest things about pregnancy is the specter of losing control —
that in the throes of labor and delivery you’ll scream, curse or barf all over
the doctor. And you just might. “Lots of us poop, throw up or scream for
drugs,” Iovine says. “Nobody’s grading you.”
7. Taking the Wrong Stuff?
This is a biggie. My asthma demanded that I use inhalers during my pregnancies,
which caused me needless worry; other women blithely smoke, drink or take cold
medicine before they realize they’re pregnant, and then they panic. “Remember
that the most serious cause of birth defects is definitely not moms taking
medicines, or smoking or drinking — the cause is unknown,” Gise says. “Moms
tend to worry too much.” But, she advises, discontinue any medication you can
live without once you know you’re pregnant or once you begin trying. And, of
course, don’t smoke or drink. Consult with your doctor about which medications
you should and shouldn’t take while pregnant.
8. Being a Bad Mother?
Here’s how I comforted myself when I was struck with this fear: I got out an
old picture of myself at 11 months, beaming from within my dreary, toy-free
playpen, where I’m pretty sure I was left for hours on end. Despite having had
six kids in seven years, my mother somehow gave us a happy childhood and plenty
of love. And in turn, my kids are happy and loving — despite my failings.
“Don’t think you have to be perfect,” Iovine says. “Babies respond to day-in,
day-out care and love.”
9. Fat Forever
Being 10 pounds overweight is not your destiny, as long as you take charge. “A
lot of women say it’s not their fault, that they can’t lose weight after
pregnancy,” Gise says. “But usually the problem is that they’re not making time
for themselves.” Take care of yourself, exercise and eat right. The weight will
take care of itself. Staying in shape during pregnancy helps, too.
10. I Can’t Handle Another Baby?
Many women pregnant with their second (or third or fourth) child spend
sleepless nights fretting that they won’t have enough love and attention for
everybody. This idea isn’t necessarily far-fetched.
“There’s a cliché that there will always be enough to go around, but that’s not
true,” Gise says. “There will be times when the needs of one child will come
before the other or before the needs of your husband. On the other hand, love
does not come in finite quantities, and you can give special love to many.”
It’s a balancing act that millions of women have managed, and you will,
too.
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